Was it saying yes when my thighs clamped together so hard you left bruises prying them apart.
Was it saying yes when I cried out why are you doing this to me.
Was it saying yes that caused you to leave suddenly, wordlessly, while I still lay sprawled across the floor, skirt circling my waist and underwear dangling off one ankle.
Or that caused you to come back the following night, so late you knew I’d already be in bed.
Or to bring a friend with you, a pair of you now grinning on my porch, asking me to let you in. Despite the lateness. Despite me in my pajamas.
Was it yes when you propped yourself up on fists over me, saying I am going to do this now daring me finally unless you say no.
And when I turned my head to the side
when I thought it’s just a body, let it go
when I heard the pop in my head like the breaking of a piano wire and
it was just a body and
I had let it go and
when I whispered okay
was that saying no.
photo credit: Bridget Benton
“Is this too a rape story.” is part of an ongoing memory project.
Additional installments can be found here.