[CN: this post discusses marketing materials for vaginal surgery that are clearly directed towards an exclusively cisgender clientele. I want to acknowledge that not all people who undergo vaginoplasty or similar genital surgeries are cis women, and that some of the language I cite or use below may be triggering.]
A long time ago, I met a kickass young woman who was into all kinds of kickass things like science and healthy bodies and female agency. She was one of about seven young women who were all into kickass things and who hung out together under the loose gang affiliation of The Sultry Dames of [Redacted] College^.
In the fullness of time, this particular Sultry Dame — let’s call her K — grew up to become a kickass OB/GYN who is very into the health and agency of her patients.
As an OB/GYN, K often receives things in the mail from companies that would very much like her to support and promote their ladybody-oriented services. Since K herself wants very much to support both ladies and their bodies — and knows that this blogger often writes about ladybody-oriented topics — she sometimes shares her mail with me.
Recently K forwarded me this brochure from A Very Important Center for Vaginal Surgery as something my readers might be interested in.
Given how critical these kinds of surgical interventions can be to ensure a woman’s profound
socially-reinforced body insecurity mental and physical well-being, K and I both felt concerned that some of the brochure’s language might be a tad confusing to the layperson. We agreed that I should translate as appropriate.
Let’s start with that brochure cover, shall we?
[^Disclosure: The author of this blog herself belonged to the cohort known as the Sultry Dames from the years 1989-1992. The author maintains this affiliation today for the sole purposes of college reunions and Facebook shout-outs.]
Pink! Lavender! This is FOR YOU!
[Afraid your private coloration may be less than appropriately delicate and pastel? Don’t fret — we can get you help for that too!]
“What’s vaginal surgery?” you may be asking.
Why, surgery for your intimate butterfly, of course!
We take inspiration from the immortal words of Louis CK: “There should be a butterfly fluttering around every vagina, all the time.” Though our brochure-butterflies flutter carefully near the statue’s armpit — and not where her actual genitalia would be, if she were, in fact, a human woman with genitals.
Or a head.
In our experience, arms on a woman encourage too much independence — including the temptation to flick her own bean, as if the mossy cleft’s true value resides in giving pleasure to its owner rather than its onlookers!
Don’t worry your pretty little head (assuming you have one? we don’t mind either way!) about what that area beneath the statue’s modesty cloth looks like. Or about the pre-op appearance of your own juncture-of-the-thighs, either. And whatever you do, don’t go looking at other women’s junctures, lest you get the highly distracting notion that healthy hoohas come in a wide range of sizes and shapes.
Our medical director is eminently qualified — being both a Surgeon and a Man — to provide all the necessary reassurance:
You are indeed hideously malformed Down There and in dire need of our services.
Services in which we do very normal, very regular things to your body.
I mean, just look at that classical statue.
Very, very normal.
(Except the breasts, of course. If your breasts look like these, please visit our partner facility to consult on augmentation surgery without delay.)
C’mon, gals — it’s time to WIN BACK YOUR BODIES!
Please don’t ask from what or whom.
LABIAPLASTY: Nothing says “self-esteem” quite like paying someone to hack off slices from the most sensitive and intimate parts of your body, amirite??
And what could be more confidence-enhancing than seeing (that is, if you’ve recently waxed and manage to hold the mirror just right) how you too have a twat like a porn star!
Or at least like a porn star whose twat we’ve already operated on.
VAGINOPLASTY: Since your one-too-many partners have undoubtedly turned your vadge into the proverbial hallway-and-hotdog-chute, you could strengthen your muscles through exercise. But why bother — when you can just get knocked out in an operating room and have it all done by the time you wake up!
Besides, Kegels have a reputation for enhancing women’s pleasure during sex. Which is not the goal here.
Oh, sorry — did you think the “enhance[d] sexual satisfaction” we advertise would be yours? Given that almost 70% of your love-sheath has very few nerve endings, let’s assume this increase in frictional fun is primarily for the benefit of the penis-possessor in your life.
VAGINAL REJUVENATION: Labiaplasty PLUS vaginoplasty.
(Who doesn’t love a two-fer?!)
HYMENOPLASTY: Hymens — not just for girls-with-creepy-dads anymore!
VIP: Very Important Pubes
It’s a very personal choice to have your genitals
mutilated cosmetically enhanced.
All of our VIP services are designed to intensify your sense of having made an empowered and empowering private decision — and should in no way remind you of that other three-letter acronym, which is a barbaric practice conducted only in primitive cultures where they hate women.
Not like here.
What could be more
1% loving than providing you with a lady-in-waiting professional representative to handle everything from your flight and car arrangements to hotel reservations and other personal matters — so that you never come to your senses just relax and let your cares float away?
It’s practically like visiting a spa!
A spa where instead of pampering your nerves, we slice them apart and toss the pieces in the trash.
And then we reposition your clit.