In Which Alice Contemplates Rejuvenating Her Lady-Bits

[CN: this post discusses marketing materials for vaginal surgery that are clearly directed towards an exclusively cisgender clientele. I want to acknowledge that not all people who undergo vaginoplasty or similar genital surgeries are cis women, and that some of the language I cite or use below may be triggering.]


A long time ago, I met a kickass young woman who was into all kinds of kickass things like science and healthy bodies and female agency. She was one of about seven young women who were all into kickass things and who hung out together under the loose gang affiliation of The Sultry Dames of [Redacted] College^.

In the fullness of time, this particular Sultry Dame — let’s call her K — grew up to become a kickass OB/GYN who is very into the health and agency of her patients.

labioplast4As an OB/GYN, K often receives things in the mail from companies that would very much like her to support and promote their ladybody-oriented services. Since K herself wants very much to support both ladies and their bodies — and knows that this blogger often writes about ladybody-oriented topics — she sometimes shares her mail with me.

Recently K forwarded me this brochure from A Very Important Center for Vaginal Surgery as something my readers might be interested in.

Given how critical these kinds of surgical interventions can be to ensure a woman’s profound socially-reinforced body insecurity mental and physical well-being, K and I both felt concerned that some of the brochure’s language might be a tad confusing to the layperson. We agreed that I should translate as appropriate.

Let’s start with that brochure cover, shall we?


[^Disclosure: The author of this blog herself belonged to the cohort known as the Sultry Dames from the years 1989-1992. The author maintains this affiliation today for the sole purposes of college reunions and Facebook shout-outs.]

***

LADIES, REJOICE!

Pink! Lavender! This is FOR YOU!

[Afraid your private coloration may be less than appropriately delicate and pastel? Don’t fret — we can get you help for that too!]

(click to enlarge)
(click to enlarge)

“What’s vaginal surgery?” you may be asking.

Why, surgery for your intimate butterfly, of course!

We take inspiration from the immortal words of Louis CK: “There should be a butterfly fluttering around every vagina, all the time.” Though our brochure-butterflies flutter carefully near the statue’s armpit — and not where her actual genitalia would be, if she were, in fact, a human woman with genitals.

Or arms.

Or a head.

In our experience, arms on a woman encourage too much independence — including the temptation to flick her own bean, as if the mossy cleft’s true value resides in giving pleasure to its owner rather than its onlookers!

Don’t worry your pretty little head (assuming you have one? we don’t mind either way!) about what that area beneath the statue’s modesty cloth looks like. Or about the pre-op appearance of your own juncture-of-the-thighs, either. And whatever you do, don’t go looking at other women’s junctures, lest you get the highly distracting notion that healthy hoohas come in a wide range of sizes and shapes.

Our medical director is eminently qualified — being both a Surgeon and a Man — to provide all the necessary reassurance:

You are indeed hideously malformed Down There and in dire need of our services. 

Services in which we do very normal, very regular things to your body.

I mean, just look at that classical statue.

Very, very normal.

(Except the breasts, of course. If your breasts look like these, please visit our partner facility to consult on augmentation surgery without delay.)

SURGICAL SERVICES

C’mon, gals — it’s time to WIN BACK YOUR BODIES!

(click to enlarge)
(click to enlarge)

Please don’t ask from what or whom.

LABIAPLASTY: Nothing says “self-esteem” quite like paying someone to hack off slices from the most sensitive and intimate parts of your body, amirite??

And what could be more confidence-enhancing than seeing (that is, if you’ve recently waxed and manage to hold the mirror just right) how you too have a twat like a porn star!

Or at least like a porn star whose twat we’ve already operated on.

VAGINOPLASTY: Since your one-too-many partners have undoubtedly turned your vadge into the proverbial hallway-and-hotdog-chute,  you could strengthen your muscles through exercise. But why bother — when you can just get knocked out in an operating room and have it all done by the time you wake up!

Besides, Kegels have a reputation for enhancing women’s pleasure during sex. Which is not the goal here.

Oh, sorry — did you think the “enhance[d] sexual satisfaction” we advertise would be yours? Given that almost 70% of your love-sheath has very few nerve endings, let’s assume this increase in frictional fun is primarily for the benefit of the penis-possessor in your life.

VAGINAL REJUVENATION: Labiaplasty PLUS vaginoplasty.

(Who doesn’t love a two-fer?!)

HYMENOPLASTY: Hymens — not just for girls-with-creepy-dads anymore!

Now you too can unchew that gum, unspit that loogie, and unuse that toothbrush. We will rewrap your chocolate for you, good as new.

VIP: Very Important Pubes

(click to enlarge)
(click to enlarge)

It’s a very personal choice to have your genitals mutilated cosmetically enhanced.

All of our VIP services are designed to intensify your sense of having made an empowered and empowering private decision — and should in no way remind you of that other three-letter acronym, which is a barbaric practice conducted only in primitive cultures where they hate women.

Not like here.

What could be more 1% loving than providing you with a lady-in-waiting professional representative to handle everything from your flight and car arrangements to hotel reservations and other personal matters — so that you never come to your senses just relax and let your cares float away?

Relax.

Rejuvenate.

It’s practically like visiting a spa!

A spa where instead of pampering your nerves, we slice them apart and toss the pieces in the trash.

And then we reposition your clit.

15 thoughts on “In Which Alice Contemplates Rejuvenating Her Lady-Bits

    1. Oh, I think you were onto something with that first thought! There are surgeons who specialize in reconstructive work — especially trying to find solutions for women who have undergone more extreme forms of FGM, like clitorectomies — but the surgeries offered by clinics like this are purely cosmetic in intent. “Fixing” things like labia that are asymmetric or “too big.”

      Like

  1. I ❤ Alice!
    I think any potential customers should be required to visit the Great Wall of Vagina, about which you've written before (technically, a great wall of vulvas, but that doesn't rhyme..), so they can see how many different types of "normal" there are.

    Like

  2. Well, you know this is immediately going over to Facebook. Let’s see if any trolls respond to this one shall we 😉
    Also, I find myself shifting in my chair quite a bit while reading this post…fully visualizing my own 3-vaginal delivery, 54 yo labia hacked off and lying dripping red at my feet while in the background I hear a soothing voice telling me, “Relax sweetie, I’m gonna make you look 14 all over again…”

    Like

    1. AAAAAGH!!! *runs shrieking into other room*

      Not like I didn’t deserve having your lovely (and graphic!) visual shared with me! 😉 The bit about this whole thing that still has me squirming in my chair is the phrase I came across in a more-facts/less-marketing discussion: “repositioning the clitoris.”

      AAAAAAGH!!! *runs shrieking out the apartment door and down the hall*

      I may never sit comfortably again…

      Like

    1. Enough to make a go of it as a ritzy specialty medical practice, that’s for sure! Though it seems pretty clear they want this to be seen as a high-end, exclusive kind of treatment — so fewer patients, but ones that can pay an ungodly amount.

      My guess is customer demand for these services lies somewhere between “more popular than modern-day foot binding” and “less popular than anal bleaching.”

      😀

      Liked by 1 person

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